My Own Way

I had just written this whole long blog about my family history and family problems etc etc and decided I didn't like being so personal. So I'll try and say what I need to say a little simpler.

When something is hard, I don't cry. I usually get through what I'm going through by putting on a stoic expression and stepping back from the situation. Point in case, I received a call that my grandmother was dying this weekend. So I rushed over there and had the very unique experience of being there in her last moments. Everyone was sad and crying and that's ok, that's their way.

Death isn't a sad thing for me when a life has been lived. James M. Barrie quoted his character Peter Pan as saying, "To Die would be the greatest adventure." While I miss my grandmother and loved her, I don't see it as permanent and believe in more than just this life. I seem to struggle more with the rush of all the other people surrounding me's emotions. It's hard for me to contain so I did what usually do in these situations. Deep breaths, normal expression and gave myself space.

Some people had a problem with that. So I didn't cry. It doesn't mean I'm not sad or that I didn't love her. I also didn't attend the visitation. That was actually accidental due to some thins I couldn't control. I don't know anyone on that side of the family and there's drama so I needed space so I could focus more on my grandmother and not the family drama. I didn't appreciate people who chose to spread rumors and/or lie about why I act that way. Doing that took away from my grandmother. It was selfish of them. You may choose to dive into that family and that's ok. But to me, aside from my siblings, they aren't my family. And it hasn't been that way in 20 years. And I'm going to deal with my grandmother's death my way. Respectfully, quietly, invisibly if I could. Doing the best that I can. My siblings sat up front, took roses and stood in the line by the casket so they could talk to the people who went up to see her. I didn't do that because I know that my relationship is different to that side and I didn't want to pretend that all of a sudden it wasn't and take away from my siblings or try to bring any attention to myself.

The funeral started about 15 minutes earlier than it said it would in the newspaper (where I got my information so that tells you how close I am to that side.) So of course, when I thought I was a little bit early, I was in fact late. And embarrassed to be late. I missed the eulogy so I'll say a few things for myself about my grandmother.

I used to call her Rattail Grandma. She had a long rat tail when I was a kid. I thought she was so much fun because she liked to watch cartoons and wrestling. She had a passionate love for all things Elvis and every Christmas she was gifted with Elvis mugs, Elvis blankets, Elvis clocks with moving hips. She also had a quirky thing for pigs which resulted in some fun gifts too. My grandma's phone was always ringing from friends who just wanted to check in on her. Always. People she'd met years and years ago just wanted to call and see if she was ok. My grandma was a dog person and always had these funny ratty mutt dogs that would live beyond natural dog years before they would pass on and she'd get another funny ratty mutt dog. She looked forward to getting old because she hoped that she would get gray hair. She ended up with a couple silver streaks here and there but she never quite managed to go gray. Her apartment was filled with pictures of us, her grandkids and filled with her music. 8tracks and records and cassettes and CD's. She loved music. She had the most interesting color of blue eyes I've ever seen and to this day I still can't quite describe them and do them justice. She was a tomboy and her grandchildren clinged to her like she was their mother, the boys especially. I loved her.